Unorganized.

Have you ever heard about or taken the Clifton StrengthsFinder test?  It's a test that tells you your five biggest strengths as far as your personality and character. 

My #1 strength according to StrengthsFinder: Discipline. 

This is a brief summary of how the program describes my biggest "strength."

"Your world needs to be predictable. It needs to be ordered and planned. So you instinctively impose structure on your world. You set up routines. You focus on timelines and deadlines. You break long-term projects into a series of specific short-term plans, and you work through each plan diligently. You are not necessarily neat and clean, but you do need precision. Faced with the inherent messiness of life, you want to feel in control."

"Seriously, Mommy?"

Having a baby, especially the way we had a baby, has really challenged this "strength" of mine.  I wonder if I retook the test if discipline would even be one of my strengths.

Before Abby, I used to make a to do list every morning based on my goals for the day. These lists were organized by category - career, household, family, social, physical, personal development, and spiritual.  My goals for each day were supposed to work towards the bigger goals I had for what I wanted to accomplish each month.  Those monthly goals were (you guessed it) supposed to work toward my goals for the year.

(I think the StrengthsFinder test was pretty accurate.)

When I went into labor at 28 weeks pregnant, I still had 62 tasks left on my "before Abby" to do list - the color-coded list of all the tasks I wanted to get done before Abby's arrival. Many of the tasks on this list were more detailed.  For example, the "shopping" task was broken down into a tiered list of things that were necessary, things we really wanted, and things that would just be nice.  There was also a sub-category of the items I thought I could find really cheap on eBay.

This is kind of embarrassing.  But it's how I roll.  Or, rather, how I used to roll. 

My sweet baby turned my organized and planned life upside down.  I never thought I would go into labor at 28 weeks pregnant.  I never thought I'd have 62 things left to do on my "before Abby" to do list when I went into labor.  I didn't plan to spend the first month of being a mommy in the hospital visiting my baby.  I didn't plan on spending 3-4 hours a day pumping for over 4 months because my baby learned to eat from a bottle and wouldn't breastfeed efficiently.  For over 4 months I didn't make a single to do list.  

And I've learned that some things you just can't plan for.  Some things can't be organized.  And sometimes to do lists don't matter. 

Now that feeding Abby isn't taking up my entire day and she's sleeping a lot better at night, I'm slowly starting to make to do lists again.  But now they're called "[try] to do" lists.  Thanks, Abby, for teaching me to loosen up a bit. 

I've gone back and forth about how I want to organize this blog.  I've decided, for now, I'm not going to have any plan or structure to it.  I'm going to be willy-nilly and write whatever I feel like.  And instead of working on my "[try] to do" list for today... I'm going to go snuggle with my baby girl. Because now I'm not so disciplined. I'm unorganized.  I'm unplanned. And I'm loving it. 

Trust, Love, Hope

God I trust You. 

I love You.  

My hope is in You. 

Over the past four months this has been my mantra.  My prayer.  My song.  

On a Saturday night in May, my husband and I started taking an online birthing class.  I had started my third trimester earlier that week and was feeling the need to prepare for labor and delivery.  We watched an intro video, got bored, and decided we had plenty of time to go through the course later. 

Sunday morning I woke up in preterm labor.  It was the scariest day of my life. 

I was pretty clueless.  I had read several pregnancy books but skipped over the sections about preterm labor and premature babies because that wouldn't happen to me.  I didn't know a thing about pain management during labor and delivery.  (I had plenty of time to learn, remember?)  

When many women experience a contraction there's at least some good behind it. Contractions mean that a precious baby is on the way, so contractions (at least somewhat) are usually a good thing.  My contractions weren't good.  They weren't supposed to be happening and my doctors were trying to stop them.  I was supposed to try to stay pregnant until I reached 34 weeks gestation - a little over 5 weeks away.  But the contractions kept coming.  And they hurt - physically, psychologically, emotionally. 

I was in a room full of doctors and nurses who were checking on me and my baby, giving me shots, hooking me up to monitors and medicine bags.  My husband wasn't with me yet (he wasn't allowed in the ambulance that rushed me to the larger hospital I was transferred to).  I felt alone in a room full of strange people. I was overwhelmed and full of fear and worry.  And then came another contraction. 

And during this one I felt a rush of peace.  I began to pray.  "God I trust You. I love You. My hope is in You."  

Over the next three days I said this prayer during every contraction.  This prayer became my pain management.  My doctors and nurses kept telling me I must have a high tolerance for pain.  I definitely don't.  During my labor I leaned on the peace that came from trusting, loving, and hoping in God. 

I've said that prayer every day since.  God taught me so much about trust, love, and hope through my labor experience and being a mommy to a baby in the NICU.  Now that we're all home and I'm journeying through motherhood, I still feel myself learning and growing everyday.  I never want to forget these lessons.

This blog's main purpose is to help me to process what I'm learning and to help me remember when I forget.  If you've stumbled across my blog - welcome!!  I hope you're encouraged, challenged, or even just entertained by my stories.  Feel free to leave a comment and say hello!